Today, is yet another day, where I procrastinate to work hard and study...but end up spending less than half the time doing it...and perhaps I can absorb better at night, cos I only managed to 'get into the books' and doing tutorials ( at least, I finish like 7 tutorial questions and browse through like 1.5 chapters of comp archi)...I think the sianness is stucked in me hahahah...

Anyway, I have to say that studying alone is such a huge task for me...since I am more than half the time relying on people around me...and yes, I admit that I am very dependent on people...and not having qiaozhen and waipeng around this sem definitely make a difference...initially it was quite hard to start..with lots of hiccups coming up..and I dont know why, the main reason why I hate NTU is because...I keep having this fear in me that I cant graduate...and lots of hiccups made me almost wanna give up...like the problems faced in FYP...the problem with school work...almost everything about CE makes me demoralised...and I can wake up in the middle of the night, cry non stop during the days when I cant do my FYP...and I thought thats quite bad...but wp told me that it was normal hahaha..so i felt slightly better..I shall elaborate more after I finally get out of this whole shit...lol...anyway...due to FYP commitment, I didnt really concentrate on my lessons...

Anyway, talking about lesson, those who know me...or rather, my uni friend should know how 'hardworking' i am during normal days ahahah...cos somehow, dont know why, I tend to be late for lesson...and the worst part is...i dont feel guilty at all...until exam comes hahaha..den i will get the 'o shit' feeling...anyway, the only time when i feel guilty not attending lessons were those general electives like analysing chinese song lyrics...understanding chinese cinema...and probably korean language...cos I think they are too interesting to be missed, and they mean something to me...Anyway...after the fyp came lots of stupid project deadline...so while struggling with FYP, i struggled to meet the stupid deadlines too...and therefore, it equates to more skipping of lessons...

N few weeks before exam, I was supposed to demo my FYP...and this sucks...cos I never really tidy my codes...as in, there were some rubbish that I need to change which will then take another 1-2 days..that is...IF everything goes the way i want it to be...for people who does programming should understand what I mean...cos what u imagine will not always be the ultimate output....n if u find it too cheem to understand, it means...before u write anything, u need to tink what to write first...however, even though it indicates no mistake, when u run the program u wrote, it could be something that u dont want, then u have to redo again...and the worst part, which is what I have encountered...is that, u test and everything works fine...but when i port the application onto a physical mobile phone(cos i am doing this mobile application), then it doesnt work...and this is super hard to troubleshoot...

Anyway, after trying for 2 weeks, i still cant resolve the problem so i gave up...but was disappointed..cos i spent quite a lot of time to get that part working...anyway....then it was the FYP demo, which was somewhat important...cos its the first impression thingy...u should know that first impression means a lot...I had a trial demo with Prof Yow...and then...I can say that I feel totally thrashed...cos he bombarded me with tonnes of questions...which left me dumbfounded..to be exact, I feel very much like crying...cos its like...yes, I know its not wonderful...but when u think of how much effort u put in, u feel sad that things doesnt turn out the way u want it to be...

Anyway, while preparing for the demo, I wanted to start on my exam...cos I know how much I have lagged behind...and because of all these, i either wake up in the middle of the night, feeling scared...or when i wanna sleep, i suddenly jump out of my bed, and try study something or do some FYP just because I feel really scared plus guilty...or rather, insecure...cos I seem to hav so many undone stuff...to be frank, i spent half the time crying hahaha...and sometimes cry non stop hahaha...n i remember that during one of the ocassion, i suddenly woke up, cry n cry...den went online, saw a friend...and i told her i am crying non stop...and she was shocked..hahaha....n some friends should hav heard me crying hahaha...yes, this is how bad it is...so that is why i really hate NTU hahaha...

The worst part is that, even when u are at ur most demoralised state...u still have to pick urself up...and tell urself that, hey things are ok when it is not really ok...and then force myself to stay at home to watch online video lectures...n stuff...

BTW, its because of that that I miss lots of outing, poly outing, sec sch outing and all that.....cos during one of those days, I feel that, no, i cant go out anymore..(anyway it was durin the time where i went out wif cindy and val cos i promised them some time ago...and i was really bad to throw tantrum at them and yes, i can tell u that time is really impt for me during that time)if so, I will definitely flung all my exam...anyway...my usual hang out click, val, cindy can sense that I am seriously stressed out...cos i told them i dont wish to go out with them till after exam...and i told everyone that I cant attend any birthday or outing cos I think I seriously cant afford to do so...cos u know, when u know nothing, and u have no friends you can really turn to, u feel scared..and thats what i am feeling...actually...to be exact...there are some pple whom i can turn to...but somehow, they are different from waipeng and qiaozhen..

anyway, in the end, i spent the first day at home...not understanding a single tutorial and what that is on the notes and feeling extra scared...hahaha..then...cry again hahahaha...

Anyway...I tried to pick myself up again and try looking at lecture video...and during my first lecture video viewing, I watched 6 videos straight...and i managed to do some questions...and finally felt better...anyway, before that, i try askin other uni friends if they will b studying n can i study with them...but the reply was, their timing are not fixed...or that they cant help me...and etcs...expected replies..cos i am not really that close to them...and anyway, i did join rh a few days to study...then i realised that probably i can be a little more independent by going to the cc to study...

After studying close to 1 week...i finally managed to complete half a module...although not super good..but can cope...n guess what? i am almost done with my most cmi module this sem...and i finally can sleep better hahahaha...and thanks to waipeng...upon my request, she went through about half of comp archi lecture with me, making me understand more n feeling better...


Dear god, pls bless me and make me safely clear all these shit...thanks...