AHHH!! I need to blog today!!! Hahahaha...cos my mind seemed to be congested..with thoughts...and dont know why, I got headache, dont feel good physically and emotionally..and I was freakingly tired too...yawnz..hahaha...and I am supposed to read up for something...but I didnt!!! Arghhh...and my eye lid are so heavy already....arghhh....

Anyway...feeling kinda emo too...was thinking of making a 'birthday' wish for this space of mine, since nomorerottenapples just passed its 2nd birthday...and then, I got a flash back as to why I chose this name...initially..was tinking of a name that doesnt sound too disgusting...e.g. princess bluecell? duh hahaha...its typical and doesnt suit me who is deemed as manly sometimes...hahaha...and I tink, for the past few yrs, I been through lots of high and low..in fact mainly low during NTU days...that I start to forget what is the feeling of high...cos I sink too deep...and then, I had lots of shit, be it in school work or relationship...therefore, I thought this name is just so appropriate for me, cos I hope that my life will be smoother...where there are no rotten apples...including no more rotten love luck hahaha.. and no more bad things at work...and no more bad things...ahh..hahaha...but...seems like...nothing much has changed..sighz..

I think I have mentioned it before...but I just feel like mentioning it again hahaha...anyway, mmm when I was young, I had very little confidence...or self esteem...cos in a way, I dont excel as much as my sisters do in school...and then, I am not as pretty as they are...in fact, both my sis say that I am an ugly duckling...and laughed at me, saying that I am no different from a maid...and so, I keep hoping that one day, things will change...someone will like me...and I will become smarter...miraculously, things changed...when I was in poly...things changed for a bit better...my studies was better...and then, hmmm seems like I have some people who are kind enough to tell me that I look not bad...but cos I have been living in the ugly duckling world for close to 2 decade at that time, I thought those people were mocking me...and I hated them hahaha!! I told my good fren about it...among them, I think Val heard quite a few times..and she was shocked...N it was after much talking that I finally accepted the fact that maybe I look ok...and then...I started to hope that maybe one day I can be with this guy whom I like for 1 million yrs hahaha...ok la, not 1 million years la, but its 5 yrs I tink...and then, I really got the chance to be with him...but for a short span of 6 months..and I was thrashed...totally thrashed...and I start to pin zero hope on love...cos I tink love...is so sad...so scary and so...


However, at that time, I was also secretly hoping that someone can like me someday...cos I do envy the fact that my friends are so well like by people! Ok la, teenagers are like that I think...and then...this did come...when I was in poly...and subsequently, when I was in uni...But...it wasnt as what I imagined...cos...the point is, if the person likes u and u dont like him, and if he is too aggressive or does too much,u get irritated...and if they do extreme things that may even scare u, then its worst than not having someone to like you...seriously...and I then tried to act as a very bad person, n sometimes, I tell them how mean I am to shake them off...but too no avail...sighz..but of cos, eventually, they backed away...maybe I was really lousy...

During this course of being like and liking people, of cos there were some whom I thought could be the one...and this first person, whom I thought could be the one, is probably the reason for this entry now..as mentioned earlier...I thought that after being with the person 1 for 6 months and after feeling totally thrashed, I thought I will never fall in love again...till I met person 2...and no, we didnt enter a relationship...but, we were quite close...even though I like him quite a lot, for his wisdom, and the feeling when I am with him, but...he was on a closer term with this girl whom I thought was pretty+smart+rich...and I really feel that they were a perfect match...and I never really told this guy that I like him...but I guess he could feel it...and anyway, subsequently...2 yrs later, he broke up with that girl...and we seldom contact regularly until he broke up with that girl...but the wierd thing is...I feel that I felt quite different already...as in, I think I dont like him anymore...n at some point of time, I thought I did...cos frankly speaking...I love to talk to him..he is a nice guy..and a man of wisdom...hahaha..and in a way, I guess my aunt is right, its better to be with someone, who is like 5-8 yrs older than u...cos they are wise...cos they been through more than u la...and he happened to fall in that range hahahhaa...anyway...lately, he told me that he is attached already..and added the fact that if he is single, he would probably come after me..and...seriously speaking, I hate hearing this...

If only I am single now, I will come after you...
If only I dont have to get married now, I will come after you
Actually I feel that u are not bad..but I have a gf already..

I hate hearing all these...cos when u say these, does that mean that I am a second class citizen? Or...are u saying this just for the sake of saying...and he was not the first to tell me this...and I felt like rebuking back sometimes...and in a way, I think that was the cause of my moodiness...all those unwanted memories flooding my mind...till I am having a little headache

Like...why do I have to keep meeting guys, who in a way, felt mutual...but due to some circumstances such as, they are already attached,suddenly got attached...or some reasons that make them unable to commit, or things just turned ugly suddenly...coming to me...staying close to me...and then...after that, tell me things like..o, our photos is still in my cubicle...and I have the gift from u all over my table...you are just too nice till I feel guilty..and all those rubbish coming to me...I hate it...(in case u get the wrong idea, I never attempt to go for someone who is already attached cos I feel that it is very unethical to do so..)

HYR wrote this in his blog..and I tink I was slightly influenced...which in a way invoked the unhappiness in me...but I thought it was so relevant to me too

‘ I can love U, miss U everyday
But even if I miss U everyday
Someday U will leave my life…again…’

N so..I am tired...for now...